Run Away, Little Girl

I ventured out of the house today to get my glasses fixed, but not before making a call to the optometrist to be sure they knew the full story before I appeared.

One can't be too careful.

Even at that, when I took off the prescription sunglasses to try on the newly-repaired glasses, the lady behind the counter couldn't help but let out a "Ouch...I bet that HURTS..." as the full effect of my shiner hit her in the eye. "You know, people always think the worst."

REALLY?

I have a feeling I'm in for a long day tomorrow as I go to work.

After that I went to get a pedicure and explained it to them as soon as I walked in the door. I was still wearing the sunglasses so it wasn't as noticable.

I tried some makeup today as well, but that only served to make it look as though I'd been on a week-long drinking binge or hadn't slept in a month...on one side. I have yet to perfect the art.

I wish someone would come up with "melt into the wall spray" or "invisible paste" or "vanishing cream" so I could deal with this - and life in general - in a more adult, responsible way...

By running away.

Shine On

A funny thing happened at the theater last night.

Yours truly, Grace Personified, took a tumble.

At the theater where I was working I have to go down one step in order to reach the least obstrusive seat in the house - the one I can escape from without too much notice after viewing the previews when I work. Only last night I actually stayed and watched a movie.

Apparently this made me lose all concept of space, time and continuom.

Because, Dear Interpeeps, as I left my seat in the theater, I forgot that I had gone DOWN a step to reach it. I strode on as if I were on flat land, falling UP and then DOWN at the rate of a boulder.

My glasses decided to ground themselves into my face at the point of impact, and flew off in a couple of different directions being as they broke when I landed. As I was trying to gather my wits about me I noticed I was dripping as well, and grabbed a napkin from my purse to cover the stab wound on my cheek left by the above-mentioned glasses, all the while assuring other patrons I was "fine, thank you...just embarrassed."

I felt my way to the bathroom, got cleaned up, found my prescription sunglasses, went to the concession stand and asked for some ice and continued on. I drove home in the dark with my sunglasses on.

Yes, I am weird.

I didn't sleep well last night and awoke with a headache, a painful cheek, and a curious swelling under my left eye. I went to the bathroom to check it out, and sure enough...

Mama's got a shiner.

A big ole black eye. Hubster said it looks as though he landed a good one on me. And as attractive as it is, I am not looking forward to going to Little Man's 5th birthday party tonight. I really don't even want to go to the optometrist to get my glasses fixed, not to mention going to work next week.

I do believe this qualifies me for Klutz of the Year so far.

I'll Take Mexico For $500, Please

Right about now I'm longing for a little sun. Some vitamin D. Some warmth via solar rays rather than artificial means that dry out my nasal passages.

I want to see green. Leaves, grass, foliage. I need some COLOR in my life. Flowers that aren't grown in a greenhouse would be good. Fresh fruit and vegetables that haven't been flown in from Chile or Ecuador or points south or west would be wonderful.

I would literally skin a dead fish for the chance to eat a homegrown tomato right now.

Peaches and nectarines are next on the list. A big ol' fruit salad - wilted lettuce? To DIE for.

But I'd settle for just a little sun. Just a few rays. Please?

A Ruff Week

Son, DIL and Cutie suffered a loss in their little family this week.

Hogie, their loyal canine companion of eleven years, went to home meet his Doggie Maker after complications following emergency surgery earlier this week.

Hogie was like Son and DIL's first child. Before Cutie came along they lavished all their love on him. When they came into town they brought Hogie with them. Since we all have a penchant for going around the house without any shoes on, Hogie would have a heyday licking our toes. It was his way of loving on us.

Of course, not being one who was fond of having her toes licked, I would have to beg off and shoo him away when it came my turn. However, there were times when he managed to catch me unawares and give my tootsies a bath. Whereupon my butt immediately began to chew tobacco.

I do know that Hogie provided more love to my son's family in the few short years he was here on earth than a dozen doggie lifetimes could fill. He suffered the addition of not only another dog, Jewel, to the household during his reign, but also a sweet little squalling baby girl who grew to love him as much as her parents did.

He will be missed, will the Hogster. May he rest in peace.

Dragon Breath

You will be pleased to know that my breath could easily fell a tribe of Pygmies as well as many other assorted nationalities today.

The reason you will be pleased to know this is because you, in your infinite wisdom, are not within olfactory distance of my breath.

If you are as smart as I think you are, you will keep it that way until at least tomorrow.

Today I craved pastrami. However, being as there isn't a decent deli within a short driving distance of my place of employment and I had to make a trip to the bank, I settled for a place called the Jerusalem Cafe. I got take out gyro meat, hummus, pita, and tabouleh.

And lo, I am breathing the breath of Hades (or garlic) as we speak.

Oh. My. Word.

Let us fervently hope and pray it stops oozing from my very pores before the morrow, because even I cannot stand myself at this moment. Peppermints will be at the ready at all times.

Ugh.

Belly Up

My computer at work has once again rolled over and played dead.

Only it didn't play.

This time it was the fan that kept running and running and running and whining and whining and whining like a fretful toddler.

Except my computer is older than a toddler, has a bad motherboard, and is much more annoying.

Thank goodness a new computer was approved for me just this week. Now it only has to go through fifteen more miles of red tape before it can actually be ordered, another couple of weeks before it ships, and still another two to three before it arrives...

Meaning I'd best break out the stone tablet and chisel ala Fred Flintstone. What DID we do before computers?

I'm so glad I'm young enough not to be able to remember.

*snort*

There Is No Appropriate Title For This Post

I managed to haul my quite substantial behind to the doctor on Monday for the somewhat yearly Yee Haw, Ride 'Em Cowboy! exam.

I know. You are thrilled beyond belief that I was kind enough to impart this information. And if you are my son and you are reading this, you are most welcome for that mental image which has been seared into your brain for all eternity.

But wait, there's more.

Tuesday I took the day off to celebrate my birthday because when it was combined with the holiday on Monday it made for a rather nice little four-day weekend. And on Tuesday I went to finish out the second half of the whole with a visit to the Boob Squishers. This, my friends, is a monumental task for anyone to undertake. As a matter of fact, the last couple of times I've been to the Boob Squishers, the techs have asked me if I have ever considered having reduction surgery.

"Why yes," I have been known to reply. "I do think I could take a couple of pounds off of each thigh with no problem...." Innocent look. "Have you ever had any plastic surgery?"

*crickets*

Everything came out just fine.

I spent the rest of the day doing exactly whatever I wanted. I had coffee and a cinnamon roll at Panera. I shopped for a new recliner to replace the one I have in the office at home with no luck. I shopped for a controller for the Wii at the Walmarts, where there were still none to be had. I was wasteful and splurgeful and eccentric and went to the beauty school and had them massage my head, wash and blow-dry my hair for $6. I bought a Route 44 iced tea with lime at Sonic. I got a new collander, a round brush and a bag of trail mix at Big Lots.

Oh yes, it was a magical day. And then I went home.

Later that evening we finally went out for my birthday dinner since there was a veritable blizzard the original date of the event. I wanted to go to Bonefish Grill, but knowing Hubster didn't care for fish I named Longhorn Steakhouse as my choice.

"Great!" he said. "So glad to know we're going to Texas Roadhouse!"

"Um, I thought I said Longhorn?"

"Yes, but I have gift certificates for Texas Roadhouse. They both have steak."

"But at Longhorn, you don't have to sit on a saddle and yell 'YEE HAW!!!' and get all embarrassed by everyone in the place just because you're celebrating your birthday. And if we go there I'm not sitting on ANYONE'S saddle. And I get to order PRIME RIB. Plus, I get to drink a pina colada."

"Deal."

And so we did.

So ended my day, and consequently, this post.

RIP MP3

It was obviously God's plan. He wanted me to buy the refurbished 16 gig model instead of limping along with my good and faithful 8 gig companion Sansa View. At least it was (somewhat) painless.

Yesterday I took the player to work with me in a bag along with four cans of Campbell's finest soups and two cans of tuna fish. I added a couple of slices of whole wheat bread in a ziplock bag. Therein lay my entire lunch for the week plus entertainment to go along with it.

However, since I also use said MP3 player at night to soothe me to sleep and I left it at work yesterday, it was not such a good thing. Especially since Hubster had the sleeping disposition of a rooting hog. So I ended up sleeping in the chair and thought to be reunited with my little gem of a player today.

Unfortunately, the cleaning people did not see things the same way I had.

The bag with my lunch and Sansa View was gone. Put out with the trash.

When I called the cleaning company, they offered to come and dumpster dive in order to retrieve it. But really? After it's been in the trash with someone else's coffee splattered all over it, no telling what other items of refuse rubbing up against it, and untold germinations of nuclear waste products or hazardous chemicals or even dog poop?

While it was really appealing, I declined.

Instead, they're footing the bill for a new one.

So really, it's a win-win situation. I ordered a refurbished 16 gig player, which was only 5 cents more than a new 8 gig player. They don't have to play full price for a new player, I get a bigger player without hazards and yucky stuff.

Let's see how long it takes me to ruin this one.

In the meantime, a moment of silence for the previous MP3, if you please....

The Sleep Is Elusive

Tonight is one of those sleeping pill induced posts that may end up making no sense whatsoever, so bear with me.

Because obviously, even though I have taken my friend the Ambien, the sleep, it eludes me.

Fie.

Add to that the fact that Hubster cannot seem to find just the right configuration of pillow, blanket, sheet and mattress in just the right order at just the right time in just the right juxtaposition when the moon is waning and the breeze is blowing just the correct temperature of outside air into the room so that he can fall asleep - and wait! there's just one more adjustment needed on this pillow...

So I gave up and came downstairs.

Fie again.

Because all I've been able to think about tonight is the meeting we went to this evening and the fact that I have reconnected with someone from my past. I keep thinking about things that happened way back when and then things that may happen in the future and my shoulders hunch up around my neck and refuse to relax and what with all the paraphenalia I have in my mouth due to the CPAP machine and the new dental device to keep me from grinding my teeth at night I have no place for my tongue to rest so it's all in an uproar. And the nesting on the other side of the bed goes on and on and on and my tongue screams that it is DRY because I cannot close my mouth with all the gadgetry inside and WHERE IS IT SUPPOSED TO GO??? and the fan whirs its white noise sound and I realize what the problem is.

I have left the MP3 player at work. Therefor, Garrison Keillor cannot tell me bedtime stories and soothe me into sleep. Kimeron Harding cannot ease me into relaxation by helping me drift downstream. I have no Ambient Music to ease my way from awake to dream. Nothing with which to crowd out all the thoughts of the past, present or future.

Oh, fie, fie and fie again.

Tomorrow I shall look like warmed-over oatmeal.

Tomorrow I shall remember to bring home the MP3 player.

Tonight? Tonight is a sad, long, elusive situation.

Similar to Baths - At Least Once A Week, Whether I Need To Or Not

It occurs to me that I have neglected my reading public.

That is, if there are any of you left.

Interest in this little missal of mine ebbs and wanes at times, this being a time of waning. Remarkable, because one would think I'd write more since there is more time spent cooped up in the confines of a stifling, oxygen-restricted, four-walls-closing-in-on-me, cozy little abode such as mine.

Not that I'm claustrophobic or anything.

Instead, most evenings are spent going somewhere else in my head via the computer. Either that or I get out of the house completely so as to avoid climbing the walls. Our walls are not equipped with the requisite stone face to make climbing easier and as my nails are short and I am not athletically inclined, leaving the house just seems the best road to follow.

Pun intended.

It has been a no good, very bad, horrible day so far. I had to deal with some issues with some people and then call some people about some other things. I know you sympathize greatly with me. And so now I will make a great effort to TURN THAT FROWN UPSIDE DOWN and enjoy the rest of my day!

Right after I upchuck into this potted plant.

Much better.

The Girl and The Boyfriend are no more. Although it is for the best in the long run, we all miss him and wish him well. They were together for over a year and he grew on us. Hearts are still on the mend.

The Frozen Tundra around here is slowly melting as we have hit a tropical high of 32 degrees F. Pina coladas will be served on the Lido Deck this afternoon to celebrate. Bikinis are optional.

Over the weekend I managed to baptize my MP3 player. I came in from shopping, and as I was removing my coat I dropped it into a half-full cup of water. (Please note the optimistic view here. I said the cup was half FULL, not half EMPTY.) Retrieving it immediately from the drink (so to speak) I shook all the water out of it that I could, left it to drain and prayed for the best.

Later that evening it refused to power up. I was a sad camper indeed.

I looked all over the Internet and finally found an upgraded, refurbished model of the same MP3 player for an affordable amount. However, the entity from whom I wanted to purchase did not take PayPal.

"FIE!" I shouted. (Fie is a universal word that can take the place of almost any other unacceptable word in the dictionary.) "FIE!"

And so I did not order the MP3 player.

The next day I sat down upon my Queenly Throne (read La-Z-Boy) in my Royal Court (read office) and reached over to the dead MP3 player to bid it a fond farewell (read throw it in the trash). Instead, I tried the POWER button once again. My hopes were as dim as I thought the light on the MP3 player would be.

(parenthetical pregnant pause inserted for effect)

IT TURNED ON!!! And it WORKED!!! The dead had arisen!!!

Gimme a break.

I get my kicks where I can.

Happy New Year

Tomorrow being the As Yet Undeclared National Holiday, I feel it only appropriate to break the silence and wish all of you a Happy New Year.

One cannot suffer too much excitement at one time at my age.

There have been no resolutions on my part, mainly because I never keep them. I gave up making them a long, long time ago. Fuddyduddy that I am, I refuse to participate. If New Year's were Christmas I might even say "Bah! Humbug!"

Humph.

As it is I will merely sit in my corner by myself and be snarky for a bit. Snarkiness seems to be the genre of the day today, being as 1) I feel rather snarky as a general rule 2) the barometer is calling for 86 more inches of snow and so 3) the Earl of Migraine has decided to take his mighty hammer to my snarky little head.

Snark, snark, snark.

In other news, it was a perfectly lovely, if everlasting, Christmas. It began on the 18th of December last with my department's party, and ended last Saturday night when all of the immediate family that could be there gathered at Eldest Son's home. All in all there were a total of four family Christmases. One for Hubster, me, The Girl and The Boy on Christmas morning, another Christmas evening during a blizzard at Nephew's home. The third was the Sunday following with Sis and her family, Son and his family and the four of us again at our home. And then the final one almost a week later. It was like the Twelve Days of Christmas without all the feathers and the dancing and the drumming and the milking and the noise and the gold.

I could have done with a little of the gold.

The Amazon lists worked WONDERS. I highly recommend them to everyone. While I didn't buy everything from Amazon, I did find they were as cheap as (gasp!) WALMART on most of the items I purchased.

I KNOW.

And they were even CHEAPER than Walmart if you caught certain things on Gold Box deals. For instance, some of the toys I bought for the kidlets were normally $30, but I got them for $10. Quite a difference. And if you played your cards right and bundled things together right and the moon was in the seventh house and Jupiter aligned with Mars, you got free shipping.

I KNOW.

And then there were the boxes that arrived via UPS and the postman every few days. That was like Christmas itself, because you know, OPENING PRESENTS even if they weren't yours....

I heart Amazon. I heart it A LOT.

And on to another topic...

My friend Cindabel's husband who had bypass surgery last week is being moved to rehab today. He had a bit of a time after the surgery due to some complications, so your continued prayer for both of them would be appreciated. Cindabel is taking some time off work to be with him and get some laundry done.

We're a lot alike in that regard.

Not really. She actually DOES the laundry.

Me? I'm enjoying my last hours of youth before As Yet Undeclared National Holiday tomorrow.

Hey, self-deception is an art I'm proud to say I have perfected over the years.

Even when I'm feeling snarky.