Monday, December 22, 2008

Webster's Has No Words

"You are defined by your actions."

It hit me hard, that one.

If I am defined by my actions, what does that mean? It means I don't like that definition very much. I don't like the "me" I see in the mirror, through the eyes of others, or in the way I keep house. It's that simple.

So I decided this weekend that things needed to change. I know, I've decided that eleventy bazillion times over my lifetime and failed at it eleventy bazillion times, but there's always that slim hope that somehow, something will stick.

I started with the housekeeping part - the bedroom in particular. I went through it with a fine-toothed comb, cleaning where mere mortals have feared to tread before. I sacked up clothes to be given away, items to be sold in the sale at Mom's, and trash. I dusted, vaccuumed, polished and waxed. I de-spotted the carpet. I unloaded the floor, dresser and chest. I took down the curtains to be washed. I reorganized, putting away or giving away all the clothing that was on the ironing board and various other places throughout the room. Hubster helped with his side of the room, and by the time I went to bed it looked like a normal bedroom again instead of something hit by a blast from the Spanish Armada.

And behold, it was good.

My actions tonight will define me as a last-minute Christmas shopper. While we have the grandchildren taken care of, we only have one gift for three of the older children. That will have to be remedied in a hurry. Sis is taken care of, but her husband and two sons are not as of yet. MIL still needs a gift. And there are the odd great-nieces and great-nephews yet to buy for.

Not that they're odd, it's just that they're here and there...

And this past weekend I started to be redefined as a friend again. Something I haven't been able to be to HeyJules for the past six months or so. We had coffee on Saturday, our first since May..or was it April? It was so good to catch up and talk with her. I've missed her so.

On the other hand, I've been defined as stubborn and tempermental with my dear friend Linds. I popped off at her last week in a fit of anger at myself. LINDS, of all people! My deepest apologies, Linds. I'm not ever going to get used to this grief thing, I fear. I want so much to be completely over the weeping part of it! I can handle everything but the constant crying. It's abysmal.

Yes, that would be the definition of stubborn. And prideful, I think. Kitti? What's your take?

And so, here we are on a cloudy Monday. Tomorrow is Tuesday, then there's Christmas Eve and Christmas. Without Mom.

So we'll redefine that as well.


Mary said...

Firstly, I always think it is a good idea to get the NY resolutions out of the way a bit early - so, hitting your bedroom was a good start - and I am sure hubby appreciated it as well.

Secondly, I am not sure whether you are the right person to be redefining yourself at the moment - I mean - give yourself a break!

Let those who love you and care for you show you just how beautiful and precious and deserving you are - puffy eyes and all.

You are beautiful, caring, very, very funny, witty; A faithful wife, mother, daughter,sister, friend; Child of God.

Sure - you are defined by your actions. The actions of your heart - and Chris; It is good!

P.S - Linds sure knows how to lay it on the line (doesn't she)!!!!

Lastly, Take care my dear.Go ahead and Scrub when you need to scrub, polish when you need to polish, iron (if you really have to)- these things all serve their own unique purpose. Grieve until your heart is healed. It does not make us weak - it shows are humanity and our ability to feel, love, hurt; Our dependency on The One.

Thank you for sharing so honestly. Blessings.

Linds said...

Well. Mary has said it all. And popping off at me?? If you hadn't I would have known anyway, wouldn't I, and the result would always be the same. Pop off anytime. I am your friend, so I will say what I need to say, and nothing changes the fact that some random twists in our lives have brought us to this place where we can help each other. It is my honour to be your friend.

And now that you have finished your bedroom I feel it is your dity to buzz over here and do mine. It needs help. Believe me.

Kitti said...

I think you've pretty much said it all. And even in the midst of grief, self-awareness is a gift. Trust me --- I didn't have it and it was worse. Much more pride and stubborness to swallow.
You're loved by those around you because we don't define you in quite the same ways you do, my friend!
May you find some peace in the chaos.