It was not a good evening.
First, there was the freezing rain. We all drove over to MIL's house to have dinner, even though it was coming down and freezing as we ate. Predictably, we made a short night of it and left early.
On the way home, The Boy and I made a stop at Mom's house to pick up a couple of things. I didn't want to go in, so I told him where he could find what we needed. Unfortunately, the light bulbs had burned out in the living room and he didn't know where the replacements were. Neither did I, so I had to slip and slide my way into the house to look for them.
I saw her in every doorway. I imagined the tree where it would be if she were still alive - how it would be decorated and all the presents that would be beneath it. I saw her squatting in front of it, handing the gifts out, just as she did only last year. Her tennis shoes are still on the stairs, her clothes in the closet.
Tonight Eldest Son suggested we have our family Christmas on New Year's Day since he and his wife and Eldest Daughter and her family will both be out of town on Christmas Day. I wanted to protest. They know that's the day we go to Mom's for ham and black-eyed peas to celebrate the new year...but Mom isn't there anymore.
Mom isn't there anymore.
And try as I might to be happy about the fact that she is with Jesus and isn't suffering and is probably rollerskating and is with her parents and sisters again, I can't help but cry.
I miss her. I miss her so very much.