They'd be right.
I'm the one people look at when they go to a restaurant. You know, the one who is judged by her size rather than her sparkling personality. And Heaven Forbid that restaurant should be a buffet! People look at me and immediately think "Buffet, fat person. I bet she eats everything in sight." Don't think I'm oblivious to it. Heck, I've even thought that myself, but about OTHER people. AND me, come to think of it.
Last year I made it a priority to lose weight. I lost 40 lbs. of the at least 80 I needed to lose, 12 of which I gained back during the holidays. And then came the New Year. Determined to get back on track, I began yet again in my quest for the ever-elusive me which I am convinced lives under the layers of ugliness I'm trying to shed.
Let's see, this would be attempt number 5,203,390,201 if my count is correct.
One week in, another holiday loomed dark against the calorie-laden sky. Not only that, but we were dismissed from work early last Friday due to the weather. I hit the mother lode when my sweet mother-in-law came to stay with us for a few days because we didn't want her to be alone during the bad weather.
Can you do the math with me? 3.5 days off + being stuck in the house + 1 visiting mother-in-law + innumberable edible items + too much time on my hands with nothing constructive to do equals........?
In other words, I ate. Stuffed my face. Consumed mass quantities. It was as if my mind was detached from my body. I watched myself doing it, knowing all the while I needed to stop. Stop! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS CHOCOLATE, PLEASE STOP!!!
And still I ate.
After munching through Sunday, I realized something. The piper was about to request payment, and I was broke. In the hole, to the tune of three days worth of Russell Stover, mixed nuts, Cheez-its, and other assorted munchables we won't bother to list.
My weight loss group was meeting on Monday.
Yea verily, I was ashamed. Me, who was so gung-ho at the first meeting this year. Me, who was one of the shining examples of lost weight last year. Me, who has the reputation as the butt-kicker of the group. Me, the one who always tells it like it is when we meet.
Me, the backslider.
How could I go and face the other people? How could I admit to them that I was taken in by the tasties yet again? How could I admit to being human?
So I didn't go. Not only did I not go, but I didn't call or email the leader to let her know I wouldn't be there. She'd already emailed to say there would be several more people joining us this week, so I didn't need to show up and take up extra space when it was needed for them, right?
Apparently not. Imagine that.
Here's an excerpt from the email she sent after the meeting:
Well, I guess the cold weather got the best of our group tonight. The only gals who showed up were our two new ladies. In a way it worked out OK because I was able to get them up to speed on some preliminary information.
Several of you called or emailed to let me know you were not coming. I appreciate that. If each of you could let me know when you are not coming, it would be very helpful. I'm not trying to be fussy, just honest. I made 2 pots of coffee tonight expecting a big crowd and.... well, you get the picture. I say all this in love .... :)
Oh yes. I am lower than worm excrement. And feeling just exactly what I deserve to feel.
So I emailed back, telling her exactly what had transpired and why I wasn't there. I admitted that I did not want to be talked into attending, so I just didn't call. And she reacted with grace and kindness, forgiving me while at the same time encouraging me. Kind of like God does, every single day of my life.
Thanks, Jetta. You're a true friend, and a blessing to everyone who knows you.
And did I mention that I'm really sorry...?
One day down, a lifetime to go.
For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.