It's funny how I can fool myself.
I have never been under the illusion that I was anywhere near tall. Never. I've always been "height-challenged," as we short people say. At a little over 5' 4", I find the only people I tend to intimidate are kindergarteners. But somehow I have this self-image problem that makes me think I'm taller than I really am. Oh, not that I think I can reach the stuff on the top shelf or anything, but in other ways.
I am always surprised - ALWAYS - when I hug someone who is taller than I am and they have to bend over to hug back. For some reason or another I seem to think my shoulders are just as high up as theirs, even if my head isn't. It really comes into play when the Arts Team circles up to pray before a service at church. Some of the guys on the team are pretty lengthy. Put me next to one of those and for the life of me I cannot seem to understand why it is that my neck and his waist are on the same level.
The same goes for my weight. I can look at myself in the mirror one day and wonder who that gorgeous, long-legged, slim, svelte, gee-I-don't-look-so-bad-for-almost-50 person is, but the next day my inner critic will take over. It's then that I see someone who should not be allowed outdoors. On those days I fear small children will run in terror at my unintentional impersonation of a giant version of the STAYPUFT MARSHMALLOW WOMAN.
Perception is a very strange thing.
Many times I think I mentally alter the way I see myself and the things that affect me in order to stay sane. Maybe it's because I may not be able to face the truth about what I see or know for fear it will hurt too much. It could be that I just don't want to admit how dirty the house actually is, or how fat I really am, or how bad that color truly looks on the walls, so I candy-coat it in my mind. After all, if I face the truth about how things really are, then I'll be forced to make a decision. Either fix it, or live with it in the deplorable state it's truly become. And a GOOD Christian wouldn't live with things that way, now would she?
Pack my bags, I'm going on a guilt trip!
So I deceive myself. I try to think of myself as better than I really am. I lie to myself in order to continue living in what has become my own little world. My own little perfect world.
But God has other ideas.
Because He is God, He has no use for lies. Truth is the blue plate special, and if you don't order it, you're not eating. He doesn't paint pretty pictures to cover what is bad. At the same time, He shines light on the darkness of things that aren't as bad as I make them out to be. He lets me see things as they really are if I just ask. He alone can strip away the fear I have of facing myself as I really am. He alone can help me to both see and deal with the truth. He alone can save me from my biggest enemy...myself.
In the end, I will still be short. There's nothing I can do to change that. I accept the fact that I'm overweight. I'm working to change that. My house is dirty. I'm still not ready to deal with that, but at least I can see the truth.
But I gotta tell you....those green walls have GOT to GO!
Behold, You desire truth in the innermost being, And in the hidden part You will make me know wisdom.
New American Standard Bible © 1995 Lockman Foundation
Teach me your ways, O Lord, that I may live according to your truth! Grant me purity of heart, that I may honor you.
New Living Translation © 1996 Tyndale Charitable Trust