It Hurts So Good

Last evening I submitted myself to the birthday present Hubster had given me way back in January - a full body massage.

Oh, it was to be a gloriously relaxing affair. I would nearly fall asleep to the gentle ministrations of the well-trained hands of Janet, the soft-spoken masseuse. Mellow music would play on the overhead speakers as warm patchouli-scented oils were massaged into grateful muscles. I would relax and be calm, pampered, and maybe even fed chocolate-covered strawberries with champagne.

I could hardly wait.

My first clue that this might not be exactly what I was expecting came as I was introduced to "Helga." I'd been having some joint and shoulder/neck pain lately, and I casually mentioned it before I disrobed. I should have seen the gleam in her eye, but honestly, the light was dim and I'd taken my glasses off so I missed the call entirely.

The table itself was nothing short of delicious. It was warm, it was padded, the covers were thick and heavy. Helga began with my head and had me just about in dreamland when she moved down to my shoulders.

And then, Ladies and Gentlemen, all hell broke loose.

She worked those muscles and tendons and ligaments like none other. I think she got the idea I might be in a little bit of pain when I started kicking the table and banging my head into the face rest.

"Breathe through it!" she commanded.

And breathe through it I did. And gradually, ever so gradually, the muscles and tendons and ligaments and corpuscles and blood vessels relaxed.

Dang. Helga knew her stuff.

When she was through with one section she moved to another. And another. And another. And by the end of the hour I was finally loosened up.

It seems as though if you do this more than once every year or so you can actually benefit from it. You won't be sore the next day like I am today. You'll feel relaxed and at one with man and nature and all will be right with the world. There will be no toxins in your body because they will all have been rubbed out or flushed out because of the natural eating and drinking and healthy lifestyle you will follow due to the simple act of having a massage on a regular basis. You will chant and meditate and ring finger cymbals and dance among the flowers in an ever-blooming meadow.

As for me, I took a hot shower and holed up in my chair in the office with a package of Oreos and a cup of decaf. I'm considering the monthly Massage Club, but only because I'm a masochist.

And truly, even though it hurts today, it still feels better than it did yesterday.