Tuesday, June 02, 2009

Happy Anniversary to We, and Please Pardon Me While I Murder The Girlfriend's Mother

Yes, it's true.

Nineteen years of wedded bliss to Hubster. I can't believe he put up with me this long!

We intend to celebrate heartily tonight with a dinner out. He wants McDonald's, but I'm hoping for Burger King. We lead such wild and exciting lives nowadays, you know. Who knows? I may actually get him to eat a burger WITH ONION as an experiment in the unfathomable reaches of unknown culinary delights!

In other news, we almost had to call the police last night to tear me off of the vehicle of The Girlfriend's mother as I was beating it with a sledgehammer.

Maybe it wasn't quite that dramatic, but it was in MY mind.

The Boyfriend and The Girlfriend were over and we'd rented Slumdog Millionaire to watch. I got home after the movie started since I had to find a bag for Clarabelle. Because, after all, we're going on a trip and she needs a bag to travel in, right? (nodding)

I thought so.

Hubster went to bed shortly after I got home. I stayed up and watched the movie, which ended around 11 p.m. Turning to The Girlfriend, I asked if she needed a ride home. She replied that her mother was coming soon to pick her up so it was all "cool" and I didn't need to worry.

So I waited.

At 11:30 p.m. I asked her what time she thought her mom might be there. She replied that there was a Wal-Mart trip involved and the momster had already been there "forever," so it shouldn't be much longer.

So I waited.

At midnight I called The Boy into the room and asked him to confirm that indeed, her mother WAS planning on picking her up sometime during the night and had not left her on our doorstep for us to raise as our own from now on. Because at the age of fifteen one is a little old to be called a foundling. He confirmed it yet again.

So I waited.

At 12:30 a.m. I had just about had enough of this noise. I went in to the office where they were playing on the computer. I explained to her that while I was happy to have her here, it was a weeknight and I needed to put the house to bed because I had to get up and go to work the next day. Did her mom have a cell phone? No, but she was going over to a friend's house after the Wal-Mart trip, and mayhap The Girlfriend could catch her there.


Eventually she did reach her mother at the friend's house. Mother said she'd be at our house in 15-20 minutes.

So I waited.

At 1:05 a.m. a car pulled into my driveway and HONKED.

(I blazed out the front door, sledgehammer and machine gun in hand, ripped her out of the car, threw her on the ground, stood on her chest and demanded an explanation for her actions. With every word she spoke I slammed the car with the sledgehammer, breaking out the glass and pelting bullets into the metal with hot blasts from the machine gun. She crawled to her knees, clutching the hem of my nightgown, begging my forgiveness for being so mean and thoughtless. She vowed never to take advantage of anyone in this way again. I spat on the ground, picked up my sledgehammer, shouldered the machine gun, and turned my back on her as I stomped back into my house and sent the deadbolt home.)

Oh, and The Girlfriend left. Then The Boy and I had a quite a little talk.

And I steamed until 2 a.m., at which time I fell into a fitful sleep and dreamt of Son flying a pedal-powered helicopter with me as the passenger to the airport so that we could catch a flight to Hawaii since I was going on his honeymoon with him, his wife of ten years, and Cutie.

After the burger tonight I'm going home and taking a nap. And I intend for it to last all night long.

Happy Anniversary, Hubster! I love you!


Anonymous said...

Coming out of lurking status to say ... You crack me up!!!!

Debbie in MS

Chris said...

I have to have some outlet for this warped thing I call a mind, so I thank you for indulging me. :)