Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Partly Cloudy With Scattered Showers

That was me yesterday.

I was a mess most of the day. Thank goodness The Boss was out of the office a good deal. It left me alone to blubber in solitude.

Sometimes I wonder if this is the normal progression of grief, or if I'm truly one of those gone-over-the-edge-never-to-return-to-sanity type of people.

Granted, the weekend was hard. Two separate sets of people came and picked up things from Mom's house. One set made both me and Sis angry and made both of us feel as though Mom's memory had been reduced to vulture-ism. But that's over and done with, and we'll move on.

We also went through the Christmas things - the decorations for the tree and boxes. The boxes were hard because the same ones had been used for so many years. The tree decorations weren't as difficult, except for one that she saved for each of us.

Sis made a tree ornament of a girl's face out of yarn when she was in grade school that Mom saved and put on the tree for forty-some-odd years. For me, it was an angel I made out of a styrofoam ball, a pipe cleaner, a paper doily, straight pins, felt and sequins. I was all of eight years old when I created this masterpiece, and it hung on the tree every year since. Mine was missing a sequin eye and Sis' was unraveling, but by golly, they were there.

To be honest, I didn't care if there was nothing else related to Christmas in that house. I had my angel, and that's all that counted.

And yea, the tears fell like rain.

I haven't yet been to order Mom's headstone. I keep saying I'm going to go, but never have. I don't know why I've put it off...probably for the same reason I've put off filling out the papers to get my share of her life insurance. To be honest, I haven't even looked at them. I just can't bring myself to do it.

But this Friday at least the first part of that will change. Mom deserves to be marked. So I will travel the 250 miles to the place where I will order her headstone, and then I will turn around and come back home to celebrate Easter with my family.

But not before I scatter a few more showers at the cemetery, along with some flowers, for Mom.


Linds said...

It is normal, and it will go on for as long as it needs to, Chris. You are not losing your mind.If you think about it really, it is just WEEKS. Not years. And because you loved her, it is hurting, and Easter is approaching, don't forget. It is all a series of firsts in a sense. First Easter without Mom. You know what I mean. And yes, the tears will absolutely fall. That is perfectly fine.

I think you and your sister have been absolutely amazing.

Susanne said...

Grief is grief and is different for everybody. It's normal Chris, especially with all that going on that day. And holidays approaching. Hang in there and don't be afraid to miss your mom. Hugs to you.