For the past several days I've been having a bit of a problem with the intake of the ol' oxygen.
Now, it's nothing I normally worry about, since every time the temperature goes above 90 degrees F for any period of time or the pollen count goes up or there's bad air quality or a pigeon passes gas in outer Tasmania this seems to happen.
However, this is one of those times when it's gone a little further than normal.
Tonight I went to the Urgent Care (which just happens to be my usual doctor's office) to see the Urgent Care doctor (which, surprise! just happens to be my regular physician). He decided I had asthmatic bronchitis and gave me one of those lovely shots in the behind that our mothers always warned us about when we were little. You know, the if-you-don't-behave-yourself-while-we're-in-the-doctor's-office-I'll-tell-him-to-give-you-a-shot-with-a-needle-THIS-LONG warnings?
Yeah, one of those.
And remember the other thing Mama always said? Besides to always have a clean bellybutton because if you didn't the doctor would see it and have to give you a shot with a needle THIS LONG?
Yeah. The unwritten but oft spoken
Law of The Drawers.
THOU SHALT NOT WEAR HOLEY UNDERWEAR TO THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, YEA, EVEN UNTO DEATH.
And by "holey" I know you realize I do not mean sacred in any way, shape or form.
Oh no, Ma'am.
And even though I'm half a century old, do you think I pay any attention when my mama speaks on matters such as this?
I didn't think so.
And so, as I stood there in that doctor's office, clad in naught but the tattered remnants and memories of Victoria's Secrets past, I knew I could do one of two things: I could either shame my mama and die a thousand deaths inside, or I could take the higher ground and do what I did.
I hid my underwear in my pants as I pulled them down around my hips and pretended they were just too sexy to be seen. And I apologized to my mama in my heart of hearts for all the times I never listened when I should have.
And for my penance, I did not utter a sound when the needle THIS LONG pierced my delicate bum.
Not a single, solitary sound.