The Stiff In My Bathroom

I cannot stand spiders.

....or dental drills or the sound of fingers squeezing a blown-up balloon, or Spanish rice; but tonight's diatribe concerns mostly the spider thang.

And so to begin...

Our house was built some 35 years ago. Long about that time, it was thought Oh, So Very Stylish to put shake shingles on roofs instead of the usual asphalt shingles. Thus, the roof under which we live today is even now made up of shake shingles.

Although esthetically pleasing, the roof we have now is somewhat of a fire hazard. Were the house to combust, we would likely find ourselves in a blazing inferno in no time flat. The roof would go up in....well....smoke.

But hey, that's not where the fun ends! We have all sorts of other things to worry about due to our roof.

The biggest problem we have due to the composition of our covering is the infestation of spiders and silverfish. Apparently those creatures thrive in just such an atmosphere as this...at least that's what the exterminator said before he told us there was no way he could ever get rid of them unless we replaced the roof. Ever.

And our joy knew no bounds at that little piece of information.

Before moving into this house I saw a spider every once in a while, eeeked, and had a male-type being kill the thing. Same with the silverfish. Saw one once in an eon or two, and never really had a problem with them.

That was then. This is NOW.

This is a lovely photo (although somewhat unfocused) of my bathrobe. The nice, soft, fluffy one that hangs on the back of our bathroom door.

But that's not all it is.

This is a lovely photo of my bathrobe that hangs on the bathroom door with a recently deceased spider on it.

But that's not all it is.

This is a lovely photo of my bathrobe that hangs on the bathroom door with a recently deceased spider on it that is, at this very moment, stiff as the proverbial board.

"Why is that?" you query.

Because THIS unfocused photo is what I tried to kill the spider with, BY SPRAYING IT ON HIM WHILE HE WAS ON MY BATHROBE, obviously thinking it would dry faster than it did, or that the sheer 100-proof alcohol content would get the spider drunk enough to believe he could drive his little spider car off of my bathrobe, thus causing him to die in an alcohol-related crash, and I would deny all knowledge of serving him, thereby absolving myself of his death and, oh yes, KILLING him without All The Squishing.

Because I'm so brave and all, you know.

And desperate times call for really intelligent desperate measures.

I fell so very, very short.

However, instead of the spider getting drunk or...um... stiff, he managed to keep running ALL OVER MY BATHROBE no matter how much I squirted him from the environmentally-safe bottle of hair glue. And squirt I did.

A lot.

But like the Timex watch of old, he just kept on ticking. Due to this, I had to pick up whatever was handy...in this case a plastic box of facial cleansing wipes...and beat him to death.

ON MY BATHROBE.

So not only is my bathrobe now stained by spider guts, but it also has the singular distinction of being stiff as a board - much like the spider that is now squished and stiff and spread on top.

And although it is softer than soft and fluffier than fluffy, except of course for the, you know, STIFF PARTS, I would still not choose to die on or in it if I were the spider. Because then, you know, I'd be DEAD and all and hardly able to enjoy All The Fluffiness anyway.

All this to say the following:

HAIRSPRAY DOES NOT KILL SPIDERS, UNLESS YOU USE THE BOTTLE TO SQUISH THEM.

Y'all may thank me at will for providing the Interweb with such a Helpful Home Hint. And you're very welcome.

Carry on.