Just Weight, Part 2

I've never been comfortable with my size, but I had accepted it. And because I'd accepted it, I'd stayed at more or less the same weight.

For twelve years.

Twelve years of giving up. Twelve years of thinking I couldn't do it, so why try? Twelve years of fooling myself into thinking I was "less" than I was...in more ways than one.

Then one Sunday I noticed a friend of mine who had lost a considerable amount of weight. I talked with her about it and found out the details, since I'm always curious to know how other people accomplish what I never could. And I thought that was the end of it.

But then something happened.

Remember when I said God sometimes tears the veil from our eyes to let us see truth?

Two weeks later another friend came up to me and told me that same person who had lost all the weight was starting a support group for people who wanted to lose weight. She thought it was a great idea, and so did I. She said she was going to join it. Then she asked me if I'd join it, too.

And absolutely knocked me for a loop.

You see, I had been hiding my weight so well from myself that I honestly thought I was hiding it from others as well. I thought that no one else knew how overweight I was. That no one thought I weighed as much as I did. That everyone saw me as the "slightly heavy but still OK" person that I saw looking back at me from the mirror. As it turned out, I was wrong.

I was the only one that was fooled.

I mumbled something about having to get back with her, then disappeared into the crowd. I was devastated. I knew then that the "real" me was what people saw. The "real" me, with the size 18 pants. The fat me. The worthless me. The failure me.

Even when I came to grips with what I had become, I still fought. "OK God," I said. "I'll go to the first meeting, but if it isn't something I think I can do, I'm not going back." The rebellious two-year-old temper came out in spades.

And God? He patiently led me, as a good parent does. Let me throw my tantrums. Let me get it out of my system. Then He gently said, "That's enough. Let's get to work."

In January of 2006 I went to my first meeting. I reluctantly signed the agreement of resolution which stated that I would follow my eating plan without deviation for six weeks. Six weeks. After that I could quit, after showing God and everyone else I couldn't do it. That I would fail once again.

Only a funny thing happened.

Six weeks came and went, and I didn't quit. I didn't fail. I stuck with it. And I went on.

Now, I won't lie to you and say it's been a bed of roses. It hasn't. And for the past few months I haven't been sticking to it like I did in the beginning. I still have the rebellious attitude when it comes to exercise, and I haven't lost all the weight I could. I plateaued, and that set me back both mentally and physically.

But I'm not quitting.

As a matter of fact, I renewed my resolve to get to my right weight just this past week. I'm back on track. I'm moving forward.

I've lost weight and size in the past year. I'm nowhere near what I want to be, but I'm a lot less than I was. The 226 lb. woman of 2005 is gone. In her place is a much slimmer, much wiser woman.

It isn't easy, but it's necessary. Both for me physically, and for me as a child of the King. Now both of us want what is best. Now both of us believe it can be done. Now both of us are committed to learning how to achieve the goal. I'm not alone in this. I'm working with my own "Personal Trainer," and we're making progress.

And we've got a long way yet to go.

Philippians 3:12-14
I don’t mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection. But I press on to possess that perfection for which Christ Jesus first possessed me. No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us. (NIV, emphasis mine)