Friday, November 20, 2009

It's Been A Long, Long Time

And it may be a while longer.

I'm not quite up to snuff these days, Interpeeps. It seems to be the whole Mom-died-almost-a-year-ago thing rearing its ugly head. And while for the most part I've been fine, really just fine, I SAID I'M FINE, DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME AND WILL YOU PLEASE GET OFF MY BACK FOR CRYING OUT LOUD??? there have been some notable changes in my life.

I was in counseling for a few months trying to deal with quite a few things the past year has brought up out of nowhere. And while I can't say the counselor helped a great deal, I can say that I'm handling things better. (Note: Disregard the comment about "getting off my back" behind the curtain above.) It's a good thing, because grief + menopause + anger + generally nuts anyway + very little patience with anyone or anything, especially myself = NOT A GOOD THING.

Not that I was ever a whiz kid at math or anything.

And honestly? I'm kind of spiritually burnt out. I hadn't wanted to let you in on that little secret before because I don't want you to think ill of me, but there it is. I still know God. I still speak to Him regularly, trying to work out this thing we have between us. I still believe. I'm just really hurt right now, and scabbed over. The scabbed over part bleeds once in a while and heals very, very slowly.

But it is healing.

There is a book out now called Angry Conversations With God. When I first listened to/read it, I knew that other people have felt the exact same way I now feel, and have come out on the other side. It gave me some hope for the future, because to be perfectly frank, right now sucks eggs.

I know it's all part of the process. I know it all has to be gone through. But I don't have to like it.

Today we had our office Thanksgiving Potluck. One of my employees came in to update me on the condition of her grandson, who is suffering problems with his kidneys. I started crying as she was telling me about it, not knowing why. Yes, I felt sympathy for the little boy, but I could usually hold my composure.

And then I couldn't STOP crying. And then I realized why.

It wasn't the little boy.

You get three guesses as to what it was.

Life goes on, folks. And like it or not, I'm going on with it.


Linds said...

Hey Chris - nothing smart today - just know you are being thought of and that you are loved.

groovyoldlady said...

I'm so sorry you're in such a funk. But it is OK to be honest with God. David certainly was in the Psalms. Give it ALL to Him (God, not David).