I know this is a shock to those of you who have read this little blog for any length of time, because I have always purported to be a slim, trim, get-up-and-go type of person who can't sit still.
So it will come as no surprise to you that I am entering yet another contest sponsored by Three Kid Circus to win a Wii console PLUS the new Wii Fit balance board and game. The only problem is that I have to bare my weight-loss soul in order to do so. Not that I haven't done so before, but folks?
It's ugly. So be prepared.
I started dieting in gradeschool after the other kids made fun of me because I was fat. And I have never stopped, except for the twelve years after the birth of my final child.
In my defense, I come by it naturally. This is a photo of my paternal grandparents. My sister got the genetic height from them, and I got the genetic weight. My maternal grandparents were short and skinny. Sis got the skinny gene from them, and I got the short gene.
I think I've been on every diet known to man during my lifetime, and some that have not. I've spent approximately $42,942,234.73 in diet aids, weight loss programs, fitness machines, gizmos, supplements, dues, foods, tapes, dvds, acupunture, hypnosis, counseling, books and any other fad that has come down the pike.
I did Weight Watchers more times than I could count. I did tapes called Believercise, I did Jane Fonda's Workout tapes, Richard Simmons' Deal-A-Meal, Dr. Atkins, South Beach and Prism. I have had an exercycle with a fan-type attachment, a treadmill, a Gazelle, and one of those electric exercise bikes. I have walked countless miles with countless pedometers and tape players that played motivational music, CD players that played motivational music, and MP3 players that played motivational music. I have joined at least three gyms and given up on each of them when I didn't get results. I tried a beta computerized weight loss program and Jenny Craig. I tried joining a group at work that weighed in every Friday so we'd be accountable to each other. I tried the grapefruit diet and the cabbage soup diet.
I lost weight on each and every thing I tried.
And I gained it all back again. And more.
But there was one thing I did to lose weight that was stupider than any other.
I watched an independent television station in our city when I was young and impressionable. There was a show on that station that was done by a former Mr. America and his wife, who just happened to own a health food store in our area. They had come up with a "wonder plan" that promised to detoxify your system and rid you of the cravings for unhealthy foods, while supplying your body with healthy supplements and bringing you to optimum health.
I went to the store and met with the wife. She weighed me in, took my photo, and supplied me with all manner of supplements and equipment. Along with the the equipment was a first-class, state-of-the-art enema bag.
Yes, I said an enema bag.
She explained that unless I was eliminating solid waste every time I went to the bathroom, I was poisoning my system. Due to this, I was to perform an enema both morning and evening to be sure my system was cleansed of all impurities. She said others who had been on this program had gotten rid of all kinds of things that should not have been in their bowels, including tumors, and it was the BEST way to lose weight...the HEALTHIEST way to lose weight...in the world. All I had to do was follow the eating plan, take the supplements and do the "cleansing" rituals.
And I fell for it. Hook, line, and sinker. I paid some ungodly sum and signed up.
To my credit, I stuck with it for two whole weeks before I gave up. I lost a total of 15 pounds, which I promptly gained back.
The wife, who had also been selling health club memberships on the side, ended up going to jail for fraud. I've seen the husband in restaurants around town since then. I've heard they since divorced.
And me? I'm still fat and sassy.
And I don't buy anything from television salespeople anymore.