Tuesday, January 22, 2008

In Which It Is Obvious I Have Been Felled By A Force Of Great Magnitude

There are bad things out there in the world, children.

Bad, EVIL, things that will get you when you aren't looking.

And they hide in weird places.

I am firmly convinced that the aforementioned evasion of liquid substances from my body has mostly to do with one of these Evil Beings. You may remember that I blamed it on the consumption of the Equally Evil Corn in my previous post, but I now see things in a new light.

I'm blaming it on the pedicure.

You see, I went for a pedicure this weekend during a break in All the Excitement of working. I had a gift certificate burning a hole in my proverbial pocket, and ingrown toenails to match. What better time?

At the particular salon I frequent, there are these wonderful, lovely, shiatsu massage chairs for clients to sit in whilst their toes are pampered. It is truly a small slice of heaven for the entire body right here on this very earth.

However, something went wrong this time. Very, very wrong.

One of the wonderful massage ball thingies (and I do believe that is a technical term) hit a muscle in my back on the left side, causing it to spasm. I let out a groan that scared the peewadden out of the nail tech, because she thought she'd done something to make me scream. She dropped those tootsies like they were hot potatoes, splashing water everywhere.

Picture it: An elderly fat lady, grabbing her back and moaning while splashing everyone in sight with dirty feet water as the Asian woman wrings her hands and cries, "You hut? You hut?"

It was quite a sight.

After everyone got calmed down and the water got mopped up and the muscle stopped its death grip, all was fine and dandy. We finished watching Rush Hour 3 and my toenails dried.

Fast forward to today.

The back began the spasm thing again. Then Montezuma decided to get his revenge. ALL DAY LONG. So I decided Montezuma must be directly related to the back spasm, because there's no way God would do this to me all in one fell swoop on purpose. Right?

It really was the most pleasant day I've ever had. And did I tell you I invented the internet?

So tonight I'll be making a trek to the local Urgent Care to pick up some muscle relaxers. I'll be spending the evening on the heating pad, and hopefully not running up and down the stairs all night.

And I'm never getting another pedicure again.


HeyJules said...

So shall I assume the toenails will be ingrown from now on???


Call me if you need anything, sweetie.

Linds said...

Shift over on that couch so we can moan together. I feel like death. I am also prone to a little exaggeration, of course. The head is pounding and I want to go to bed, but I have stuff that needs doing. Groan. At least I won't moan about the lack of pedicuring opportunites for a while!

Pat said...

Just curious. What's pewadden? Is it something a person gets scared out of them very often?
Say Hello to Al Gore when you see him.
I know you are in misery and I'm really sorry. But this blog is funny. I'm not laughing at your pain. I'm just laughing.