Oh Dear, She's Getting Serious Again...

On the homefront there's been somewhat of a problem of late. I've been hesitant to mention it, being as I always hate to bring the few readers that dare to darken my door down, but it needs to get out in the open so I can move on.

I've been in a bout of depression for about a month or so. Oh, not so you'd notice on the outside, but on the inside my world has been pretty much bottoming out. Hence the lack of posts. Hence the lack of attention to what I eat and how much. Hence the return of Mt. Washmore, the cobwebs, the unorganized schedules, and the unfixed dinners for my family. Hence the utter shambles of our financial state at the moment.

This is something that hits every so often. It's never pleasant, and usually comes on after some sort of major stressful event. In this case it was a reopening of old wounds with my father. Wounds I thought had healed and scarred over managed to break and bleed profusely during the vacation time I took in July.

It wasn't pretty. As a matter of fact, this was one of the worst episodes I've had. It even got so bad at one point that I had to go to the doctor for help in dealing with the anxiety involved with the situation, and that's saying something. It hasn't been that bad since 1999. 1999 was a very, very stressful year.

I've been praying about this for a long time, asking for God's help in dealing with the situation I've gotten myself into. While I know God can and does handle things like this, especially the financial part, I have such a hard time letting Him do just that.

I mean, why would GOD want to waste His time fixing something in me that will just break again? That's what I think every time I consider giving the weight loss to Him.

Why would God bother to fix my discipline problem and help me to get back on track with the house? He knows I'll just screw it up and let it go again...and again...and again... Let's face it, my follow-thru track record is certainly less than stellar at this point. So why should I give it to Him?

And then there's the relationship with my father. Never great, and sometimes downright bad since I now see him through the eyes of a grownup. A man who doesn't forgive... doesn't forget... and is what Joyce Landorf would label an "irregular person" down to the last detail. I have prayed for him until I can't even find the words to pray anymore, forgiven him for countless wrongs and hurts, and yearned for his transformation to a child of God almost as much as I have yearned for his approval (read LOVE) throughout my life. So far, nothing. If I give that to God, what's going to keep me from being hurt again?

And then today, without warning, it happened.

God, in His great and wonderful love for ME, broke through during the church service I almost didn't attend.

Today's sermon at church was all about the worship experience. I've been struggling with that as well for a while, I'll admit. You see, my pathway to God has always been through music. Of late, due to many circumstances, my worship has not been what it should be.

But today... today I found out what true worship is.

Worship is doing all things to the glory of God. ALL things. Worshipping Him through eating right, submitting myself to HIS plan for my body. Worshipping Him through keeping my family well-fed and in a clean home, with clean clothes to wear. Worshipping Him by trusting Him with the situation with my father, and every other situation in my life. Worshipping Him by submitting to HIM in all things, for HIS glory. Bowing down to the One who gave me life by doing His will for me.

And so tonight I'm doing laundry. I have planned what we'll have for dinner tomorrow night. The kitchen was cleaned today. And I'll be sending my father an email to let him know we're all here and OK. God will handle the financial part, and I'll handle my part.

The worship of my God.

Psalm 95:6

Come, let us worship and bow down. Let us kneel before the Lord our maker...